LE MARAIS

Often touted the "best steak" by my kosher-abiding friends, Le Marais is the most popular kosher steakhouse in the heart of Manhattan. Chasidic Jews make the trek from Flatbush in Brooklyn for a steak here. The owner of the restaurant is French, my friend David (also French) knows him.

David is the owner of a major art and lifestyle magazine, and he just returned from Venice Biennale--the creme de la creme of art events. He wanted his first meal back in the city to be with friends at Le Marais. It was David, 2 French friends (1 girl, 1 guy...I knew the girl), and me. David keeps kosher.

6 weeks ago, David and I tried transforming our friendship into a relationship. It was an interesting experiment, changing the state of something that had always existed with certain properties. Like turning an ice cube being into water, you either have to apply heat or pressure. In our case, there was more pressure applied to turn us into a fluid relationship. It didn't really come naturally based on each of our properties/personalities. Before leaving for Venice 2 weeks ago, he and I decided to remain friends, and we still are (clearly, to be included in his first dinner back).

Le Marais looks like a traditional French bistro you might find in Paris. With wooden details, and framed posters, it has a certain ambiance. The place is filled with Jewish people, and the occasional table of tourists who clearly had no idea what they were getting themselves into. Some tables have Torahs on top. Most people wear kippot.

Eating in the kosher-carnivore manner at Le Marais is like eating on a restrictive diet anywhere, say a vegetarian in a non-kosher steakhouse. You are eating according to the guidelines, and at Le Marais the kosher guidelines pertain to all persons dining. The result: Everything tastes half-good. Every dish is a little off. Every bite is a few beats from its non-kosher competition.

For the table, I ordered the Croquettes de Saumon: pan-fried salmon cakes with fingerling potato parsely salad. And the Merguez Couscous: spicy lamb sausages with couscous. The salmon cakes were just like crab cakes (not kosher) but with salmon inside. These were good. I could have eaten 2 or 3 of them. The breading was just right, of a crunchy but not overly fried consistency. It was a creative rendition of a crab cake...minus the crab. The Merguez Couscous, however, was a total disappointment--particularly after the waiter and the manager had raved about it. If I could guess what dog food tasted like, this would be it. The sausage "meat" was a ground paté of mush warped into a sausage-like object. It kind of reminded me of the fake meats (made of gluten, whey protein, tofu, etc) I used to eat as a vegetarian. The only redeeming quality of the sausage was that it was actually spicy as the menu had advertised. But spicy layered over marginally-edible is not the best combo. Note to self: Don't order sausage at a kosher restaurant.

For an entree, everyone at my table ordered some variation of steak. David and Alex got the Steak au Poivre (black pepper-crusted steak), Julie got the Onglet a l'Echalote (hanger steak with shallot sauce), and I got the Tournedos "Le Marais."

We ordered a bottle of Cabernet. I typically don't like kosher wines. This one was easy to drink, not too tannic.

During the course of dinner, I learned about David's time in Venice. He attended art gallery after gallery, party after party, hob-knobbing with the likes of Selma Hayek, it sounded amazing.

Also during dinner, I received texts from Ari, asking what I was doing. Ari is Israeli, we've been on 2 dates. He looks like a model. I told him I was at Le Marais with friends, and he responded he would come. Before I could respond, my phone powered down.

Being from Texas, I know my meats. Being raised in a Jewish family that doesn't keep kosher, I've tried every major-name steakhouse out there--And I'm talking excellent steaks, prime cuts, cooked and seasoned to perfection. As a kid, our family used to go to Brenner's Steakhouse--a little cottage in Houston where you find Food & Wine worthy steaks. I've been to Peter Luger's in Brooklyn with my sister (check out her food blog: Cooking for Presto), and we've split a heavenly porterhouse for 2. Drenched in butter, that steak sizzles its whole path from the kitchen to your table.

Those restaurants treat their meats like spoiled children--pampered and cultivated over time. Compare this to a steak with my Rabbi's blessing? With all due respect, my Rabbi doesn't know a good steak.

One entree that flew past our table to our neighbor's was the Coute de Boeuf. It looked great. I wonder if it was good. I've had the Coute de Boeuf at Minetta Tavern, and it was pretty good (if only I liked fatty meats). Though I can appreciate that Minetta's Coute de Boeuf was good, I'm more of a fan of lean meats, fillets.

At Le Marais, I wanted a Filet Mignon. Afterall, I was at a steakhouse and that's what I usually order. I didn't understand the French menu, so I asked the waiter "Which is a Filet Mignon?" Perhaps thinking I didn't know my steaks, the waiter promptly affirmed that the Tournedos was the same as a fillet. Wrong. Tough and dry, this mound of meat had me wishing I had ordered fish. An utter disappointment. I scraped some of David's black pepper off his steak, in a dire attempt to add flavor to mine. One favorable comment I can say: I asked for a Medium and it was a true Medium. But really, who cares when the meat could just as well be water, flavorless.

I later learned that an American kosher restaurant is incapable of achieving a fillet mignon. The fillet comes from an area of the cow that in the U.S. cannot be cut in a way that abides by guidelines of Kashrut. I specify in the U.S. because in Israel they can cut a fillet in a way that does not interfere with kosher laws. Many Israeli have a loose interpretation of their religion, so I am not surprised they can achieve a kosher fillet.

Last up, dessert. I entered this part of the meal with low expectations. Nothing to lose. What stood out to me was the Poirs Belle Helene (poached pears, vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce). Poached pears! At home we used to have a chef, and his favorite healthy dessert to make for us was poached pears. I didn't care about the chocolate sauce, I simply wanted my long-lost poached pear. Go to Le Marais for poached pears (not for meat)! Delicious poached pear, soaked in cider and chilled, the flavor profile bringing me back to winter months.

I have to give a concession to Le Marais: A kosher steakhouse can never really be compared to a non-kosher steakhouse. Therefore, in light of the guidelines and obstacles, maybe this is one of the better kosher restaurants out there.

I've had kosher meats elsewhere, including an excellent kosher steak at Prime Grill, and of course I've had kosher meats at my Aunt's, and at my ex-boyfriends' families' houses. Still, I wonder--do kosher restaurants get better than this? Is there such a thing as a kosher foodie? Or do the laws of Kahrut preclude observant Jews from being true foodies? Henry Stimler and Menachem Senderowicz are opening a new kosher restaurant in Soho. It's quite possible that they will be responsible for changing the standards for quality kosher restaurant food. For the sake of all Manhattan Jews who keep kosher, I sure hope so.

When the bill came, David insisted that he pay. Nice--but confusing--since we had gone back to being friends and he's not the sort to pay for friends (unless he's a changed man after Venice). Did he consider this a date, or was it a friendly gesture? I threw in a 20 for good measure.

Ari hadn't showed up so I figured my phone-dead lack of response had dissuaded him from his original declaration that he'd meet me at Le Marais.

But as we exited the restaurant, there came Ari--pulling up on his new, red Ducati.

Was I supposed to brush Ari off? He had come to meet up (though he was late and now couldn't join us at the dinner table).

I tried my best to salvage what was admittedly a very awkward situation. David and I said bye to Julie and Alex, and then crossed the street to Ari's motorcyle.

Me: David, Ari. Ari, David.
David: Oh yes, we met at the Shabbat dinner. (I forgot, they met where I met Ari, at David's friend's place)
Ari: How's it going, man? How was dinner?
David: Good to see you. It was good.
Me: It was ok. I don't usually eat kosher.

Somehow, 1 hour ensued as the 3 of us stood and talked, out by the bike on the open street. Mostly I listened, as they talked motorcycles and finance.

The time for parting arrived. Ari had an extra helmet. Do I say bye to Ari and get a ride home in a cab with David? Or, do I say bye to David and jump on the motorcycle with Ari?

I asked David, "What are you going to do?" He was tired from traveling, going straight home, i.e. not going to drop me off. So, the options became: getting my own cab or getting a ride on a motorcycle. I chose the latter.

It was my first time riding through the streets of Manhattan via motorcycle. And it was exhilarating.